rewind. replay. restart.

There are two reasons why I wish I graduated from this state:
1) Friends that live in my area
2) Easier relationship prospects

I didn’t have much problem finding guys to date, as I started to fully embrace the online dating scene. It’s a lot more relevant to someone who’s moved into the area. Being at my four-year university for almost five years, I knew the dating scene. I easily manipulated it; as with every new year there was a new group of potentials. Hell, I even had a three-month fling during the summer of my junior year of college. Thing is, all those relationships had to be out of convenience. Similar hobbies, close proximity, but even still I felt something missing. Maybe I needed someone to distract myself from the hell that was that school. It must have worked, I was there for so damn long.

Fast forward to now and I’m in a new relationship. How it started is no different- it’s our continuance that strikes me. My genuine, invested interest into this kid. We’ve barely known each other for a month, yet our connection feels years long. He gets along with my family, I get along with his. Our interests converge most beautifully. Our chemistry, physically and emotionally, are off the charts.

All of that frightens me.

Never have I been so afraid of losing someone I just started dating, let alone met. I constantly check, and double-check my filters are intact when we interact. Always unsure if what I say may be inappropriate. That the last thing I say may send him away. If you think words don’t have that power, you’re gravely mistaken.

I fear he’ll become bored of the ramblings of a twenty-two year old college dropout(in). He says he loves my stories; I honestly feel he does. I love how he can take me back to a simpler time; before life got complicated for me.

Back when being a hopeless romantic was my full-time job. Before I became a pot-smoking, binge-drinking, partying asshole. I may have liked how I felt, but that wasn’t who I wanted to be. That wasn’t how I wanted to be perceived. Especially how I’ve toted that I wasn’t your average college kid. Being separated from the environment has been the greatest achievement in my life. I was done self-diagnosing with a bottle and a blunt.

He gives me direction. A whole new plot to write for myself. That’s why I’m scared. I can see the potential. I can see how we can push each other to become better human beings.

I can see how he can make me love; for the first time again.


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