weapon of choice

Yesterday was a shitty day. And not the kind of shitty I can normally handle. I actually felt crazy. The same crazy that caused me to end up back home in the first place. It’s emotional ADD.

This afternoon I was excited to see my dear boyfriend- that was thwarted thanks to Mother Nature. So here I am at home, barely focusing on my homework due in less than an hour. Each question for my Network Fundamentals class became more difficult to answer. Eventually, I thought I was reading Cyrillic. I started to yell at my computer screen hoping it would say something back so I could throw it. Then I thought, why I am so bent out of shape? I know I was being irrational but I didn’t care.

After discovering the cure for cancer during the completion of that assignment, with 100%, I still felt enraged. Physically. Pissed. At what I still don’t know.  I decided I needed an audience, therefore I grabbed my laptop and headphones, and sat in the family room. I started pouting. The world had taken the last Oreo, and I’m the fuming child that wanted it.

My father tried having a conversation with me, but I couldn’t even talk without wanting to scream.  I wanted to verbalize my anger, but it had nothing to say.  I kept my responses short and abrasive.  I’m not sure if he got the hint I was annoyed with, well, myself for being annoyed.  Stormed out his office back to my throne trying to process our exchange.  Long story short, an important document was mailed to an address where I no longer reside.  I have to retrieve it, if the scum of my fraternity haven’t disposed of it first, at some point for my father to do his taxes.  He could have told me we won the lotto and I still would have griped.

Anyway,  more wonderful events followed- Valentine’s plans shelved, a friend bad-mouthing an ex.   I wanted to just leave.  Not just my house, but existence.  If only for a short time, I would be void of all responsibility to feel.  To just not react or respond to any of it, and watch the issue disappear.  As much as I wished that could happen, it can’t.  My mind becomes bogged down with making so many decisions because each one is equally important.  In actuality, that’s not the case.  But, I can’t flag the most urgent decisions; that crucial skill has been lost.  Choice overload is my arch-nemesis.  Right now, the only weapon in my arsenal is to do nothing.

So that’s what I did, went to my room and did nothing all by myself.

And it was awesome.


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