In most situations, I’ve always felt like villain. Manipulative. Self-centered. Cold and uncaring. Joking at the expense of others. Mainly these were defense mechanisms to test the loyalty of those around me. And to deter those who couldn’t put up with my dark nature. Now, I’m not complaining of not having many friends; trust me. The ones that I’ve found truly embrace my villainous side. Sometimes even indulge in it. But, now that I’m separated from that environment, I don’t have a need for that emotional moat. My defenses are down, but I can’t shake the need for me to be just downright negative.
My philosophy is/was:
“I always hope the worst will happen. Therefore, I will be pleasantly excited when I’m proved wrong.”
That was my excuse to be cynical. A poor attempt to justify all the wrongdoing in my life. If anything, I was living a self-fulling prophecy. Since I was always looking out for the worst experiences, I belittled truly beautiful moment. Any accomplishment was greeted like a passing thought. While failures were a celebrated occasion.
Something is terribly wrong with that thinking. It’s about time that changed.
Now that I’m in a position where opportunities are knocking away, I want to be able to appreciate them. I want to drop my checkered past, the douchebag facade; for sake of my relationship. Being older doesn’t excuse foul behavior. Being in college doesn’t justify it. I didn’t need those “wild” years. I’m not wild. I would have done fine without the three years of underage binge drinking. Of course they all make for fond memories, but memories fade. Then you’re left with the reality of your decisions.
On the other hand, there are some qualities that I do wish to… re-purpose. My cockiness will become well-placed confidence. I will tone back cynicism and morph it into realism. Hopefully, this with smooth some people over with my somewhat grating personality. But, I think that has always attracted people to me. As well as my charming good looks. (Old habits die hard.)
Deep down I know I will never be the one to stand up for a noble cause. But that’s ok.
Someone needs to be the anti-hero.