I have had no motivation, nor inspiration to write anything most of this month. I’m struggling to find the words for this sentence. There’s been so much going on. Too much in fact. I realize I’m not the open person I thought I was. That’s because I don’t know how to be honest- with others or myself. That’s why I’d make a great lawyer; or at least that’s what everyone tells me.
I don’t know what else to even say. There are thoughts in my head, swelling my mind with fear and sadness. But, I can’t bring myself to say them aloud. To have them drip from my fingertips to release the tightness in my chest. I just can’t do it. Instead, they come out as tears. That’s the only way I have been able to speak these past few days. My face shows nothing of my torment Only a few manage to surface as I try to dam them as much as possible. And I shouldn’t feel like this. Nothing has happened to cause this in me. Other than my own thoughts. The twisted futures I see. The possibilities of never becoming reality. Past conversations on replay. Analyzing the dialogue to determine what was said, what was meant, what was heard.
I want to stop this madness. This cycle of self-defeat. That I’m not good enough for anything. Because sometimes I think I’m not. That I don’t deserve the good in my life, because it is always temporary. That it’s better to cut ties, than to fight to build bridges. Because I don’t know if the hard work will pay off. And the unknown frightens me more than anything.
I just have a feeling I’m about to do something real stupid.