march shuffle

Two steps forward. One step back.

And about four to the side.

That sums up the month of March for me.  I make progress in some aspects of my life, then there’s not a major setback; but a detour.  Example: just started a job, already want to change it.  I’m trying to give it a chance, but I don’t feel welcomed.

I’m grateful Spring Break ends.  Now that I’m actually doing well in school, I don’t want the momentum to stall.  Plus, it fills my days up pretty well.  I’m thinking I either need an internship or class over the summer or something.  I can’t just work.  I have the rest of my life to “just work”.

Other than that, I’ve been unreasonably sensitive.  Swear I felt every emotion humanly possible in the last week.  Even tearing up at movies I swore I’d never watch.  (Damn you Titanic.)  Lately, it’s been this empty feeling of losing something you still have.  Preparing for a loss is worst than the actual feeling.  At least for me.  A loss is a one time occurrence; dealt with then and there.  The fact that I could lose someone throws me in a state of uncertainty.  Anxiously awaiting that faithful day when you will have to call it quits.  What goes on in my head becomes catastrophic to my self-esteem.  More so than what anyone could say to me.

I’ve never been more scared.  I hate feeling it.  I hate admitting it.  As someone who keeps a tight grip on his emotion state- I’ve been weakening.  Some say that is a sign the walls are coming down.  I’m not so sure.  I honestly don’t know what it is.  I don’t have the answers.  Not anymore.  I have to shut off my innate ability of asking “why”.  Shut down my obsession with every detail; every possibility.

Maybe it’s better to know just enough.

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