Two steps forward. One step back.
And about four to the side.
That sums up the month of March for me. I make progress in some aspects of my life, then there’s not a major setback; but a detour. Example: just started a job, already want to change it. I’m trying to give it a chance, but I don’t feel welcomed.
I’m grateful Spring Break ends. Now that I’m actually doing well in school, I don’t want the momentum to stall. Plus, it fills my days up pretty well. I’m thinking I either need an internship or class over the summer or something. I can’t just work. I have the rest of my life to “just work”.
Other than that, I’ve been unreasonably sensitive. Swear I felt every emotion humanly possible in the last week. Even tearing up at movies I swore I’d never watch. (Damn you Titanic.) Lately, it’s been this empty feeling of losing something you still have. Preparing for a loss is worst than the actual feeling. At least for me. A loss is a one time occurrence; dealt with then and there. The fact that I could lose someone throws me in a state of uncertainty. Anxiously awaiting that faithful day when you will have to call it quits. What goes on in my head becomes catastrophic to my self-esteem. More so than what anyone could say to me.
I’ve never been more scared. I hate feeling it. I hate admitting it. As someone who keeps a tight grip on his emotion state- I’ve been weakening. Some say that is a sign the walls are coming down. I’m not so sure. I honestly don’t know what it is. I don’t have the answers. Not anymore. I have to shut off my innate ability of asking “why”. Shut down my obsession with every detail; every possibility.
Maybe it’s better to know just enough.