heavy burdens {confession}

I’m twenty-two.  I’m starting over.

I don’t know anyone else doing that.  I don’t like being atypical.

I don’t like doing wrong.  That is why I’m cautious.  That is why I’m calculating.

I confess:

The fear of failure ruins me.

I am crippled by this.  Therefore I build a fortress; place myself on a pedestal in the center, look down and pray I’ll survive the fall.  I feel too big to fail.  My calculations are too perfect for error.  Yet, here I am in a free-fall trying to rebuild.

What’s flying at me is overwhelming; success in school, finding work, a budding relationship, stagnant friendships.  Each of these scenarios require attention and I’m trying to find the balance.  I thought I could have it all.  At this time in my life, I thought I would already have it all: thriving career, dedicated significant other, exciting social life.

I don’t think I’m being irrational to want those things by my age.  Alas, here I am at the beginning like I was at 17.  My goals never changed.  Just that my priorities never put me on the path to accomplish them.

The fortress walls have been breached.

I have been dethroned.


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