Breakdown. Meltdown. Mental break. Call it what you want, but it’s happening now.
I’ve been wanting to capture exactly what goes on during one of these many psychotic episodes. Here goes:
Restlessness. Anxious restlessness. It’s not in my legs, but in my head. Get up and run! A thought circles the track until I tire of it and the baton is passed to the next one. But it isn’t just a string of singular thoughts running interference; it’s a marathon of memories. I pray they trip, fall, break their legs and don’t get back up because I don’t have the strength to see them to the finish. Sentiment and nostalgia are the endurance athletes of this mental attack. They rush my system into paralysis. Conflicting emotions short circuit any self-control I have. Shut up shut up shut up! I don’t want you here anymore! What can I do when I feel trapped between these waves? They crash and crack threatening to capsize my sanity and splinter my body with shards of melancholy.
This was all I could bring myself to write before it began to consume me. It won’t be the last I write of this. I know it’ll happen again. This will be my new project to better understand the complexities of my mind in overwhelming situations.
Cheers to the next one.