dot dot dot

Ellipses.  Worst punctuation ever.  Worse than the interrobang.  

You’ve seen it before.  You’ve probably committed this grammatical sin on more than one occasion.  Here, let me give you an example.  

Someone came up to you and knocked your Starbucks out of your hand.  The only thing worse than overpaying for coffee, is seeing your overpaid coffee fall to the ground in slow-motion. 

Of course, you have to mention this moment of douchebaggery to a dear friend.  I’m assuming you draft a text that says, “sum dude jus spilled my venti mocha. WTF?!”  That abomination that follows the “F” is an interrobang.  It’s quite a loaded piece of punctuation, but it doesn’t carry the same weight as the dreaded ellipsis.

Three dots.  Three dots full of glorious subtext.  They always occur, not when you least expect it, but when there’s no fucking need.

Ellipses can be especially irritating when they are sent in response to some quip you made about being hammered and Miley Cyrus–also, why you were both at the same time.   Why they didn’t get the reference is beyond you, but an ellipsis response is just insulting!

While that instance was rude, this one is just plain manipulative.  There comes a time when every relationship must end.  You know it’s coming.  So why must you be tortured with the phrase “We need to talk…”  Why would they add this virtual pause?! (Damnit!)  You’re already hyperventilating, so you’re clearly too occupied to respond promptly. Then, they retort with “Well…” when you ask why.  OK, well what?  Is this some kind of invitation?  Maybe it is!  An invitation to Hell!  So don’t accept it!  It’s a mind game you’ve already lost, so leave well enough alone.

You know what is the absolute worst though?  When you ask a seemingly innocent and non-interested question, e.g. “How are you?”, and you get this:  “Oh.  Ok, I guess…”  You will try to decipher the hidden message between those periods.  You will try to connect the dots.  Let me advise you: do not connect the dots.  Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.  Go straight to jail because the time you spend contemplating the true meaning of these ellipses will send you there anyway.  

“…” does not mean they are single.  It does not mean they are torn at the mention of your name.  It does not even mean they are depressed.  It really means that they don’t have a grasp on the correct way to use an ellipsis.

So, don’t try to read between those pixels on your screen, because I’ll tell what’s there.  Nothing.  Emptiness.  Blank white space.  

There was never anything there.

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